The War in Ukraine, Day 4: How Does it Affect My Mind.

The current events impact people’s inner world. My old friend whom I haven’t seen for two years came by to visit me for five minutes just to say “hi”.

My sister, who lives in the U.S. hasn’t been very enthusiastic about reading too much breaking news because it had a negative impact on her mood. She didn’t have a habit to consume Ukrainian content either, since Russian is her first language. Now, she obsessively reads news articles in Ukrainian. She also went to the Russian embassy to participate in protests.

Even our television newscasters speak their stuff like they mean it without this boring tone. They sigh or smile more genuinely when it suits the narrative.

My niece barely speaks Russian and poorly understands Ukrainian. She lives in Japan. During our phone conversation with her, she had told us about the urge she felt to listen to Ukrainian songs on YouTube because she remembered how our grandmother sang them to her while she was still alive.

I’ve accidentally come across a YouTube blogger with 40k subscribers who happened to be my childhood neighbor. We were friends for a short period of time, but then I’ve bullied him verbally a few times. When he has grown up he has bullied me back a few times. Shit happens.

But, I was so glad to watch his video where he says that he lives in Europe. He couldn’t continue to make regular live streams at this point because his heart is breaking because of the war. My friend also said that he cried like a boy when he first realized what is going on. He’s around 35 years old, by the way. Now his head is occupied with thoughts about how to use the abilities of his company to volunteer in helping refugees fleeing Ukraine.

I can feel changes in my mind too. I was depressed lately. No, I was half-depressed for the last 5 years is more correct. It happened after I’ve left my religion. Now, I feel like I’m alive again. I don’t know why. I think it’s related to dopamine and adrenaline somehow.

And I didn’t even do anything involving risk for my health or life during these days. All I did was send plenty of reports about Russian trolls spreading calls for military aggression against Ukraine on pro-Russian Telegram and YouTube channels and Instagram.

Actually, I’ve tried to join Homeland Defence forces, but they answered that at this point they are already staffed, and they don’t have any more rifles available. Here I am, trying to justify myself. I guess that’s because I feel guilty that my brothers and sisters in Kyiv, Kharkiv, Sumy, and other major cities are fighting and dying, while I hear only a few shuts or explosions per day resounding outside.

The thing is that Russians want to capture the cities considered to be bulwarks of Ukrainian spirit. Odessa is the region that is supposed to be slightly pro-Russian. They believe that we will just surrender as soon as we hear about the fall of other cities. So, they don’t shell us intensively with their artillery only to make it look that they are not our true enemies. I think it’s too late for that plan. We see everything they do in other cities on our gadgets’ screens.

Yeah, so back to my point.
I’ve been an atheist for about 4 years. It means that I stopped considering God to be something real. I prayed occasionally, though. But, my prayers started with “God, if you exist” and ended with “Fuck, who am I even talking to”. But recently, I’ve prayed to God like I was talking to a real person. I didn’t say redundant things like I often did when I was a believer. I’ve said only a few words, but I’ve meant it. I still don’t have an intellectual conclusion and assurance that God exists, but it was something different. It wasn’t about religious convictions.

I just have a positive mood these days. I feel like I’m alive again.
It’s like I was dead all this time. I look back and see myself as an animal: selfish, lack of empathy, and full of lust. The same I saw in other people outside. Now, I want to love everyone and want to see something good in them.

Why the calamity causes me to experience these side-effects: seizures of repentance and episodes of altruism? I kind of like it. I don’t want to go back to my usual self.

I think it is some kind of psychological mechanism inbuilt into us to make us be less of assholes in critical times and to help our tribe more. I wonder about our ancestors. They constantly experienced severe adversities. Were they happier than a common modern human because they needed each other more often than we do? Well, I’m not sure I want to be happy if this is the cost, but still… I hope that when things work out I won’t forget to keep being alive.

Surprisingly, I don’t feel the same compassion and empathy for Russian soldiers as I feel towards all people and especially towards my neighbors. Maybe I should. I realize that I could happen to be one of them if I had been born in Russia and had been constantly exposed to their TV propaganda. But, I still hate them.

Am I some kind of psychopath? Or is it another psychological mechanism designed to allow us to be ruthless when fighting the enemy? I don’t know how would I behave in the buttle field in terms of courage. After all, I’m not the bravest person I ever knew. But I believe that I can kill the occupant without remorse.

Philosophically, I view it as if I would be a surgeon who is compelled to cut off an unviable twin from his viable sibling in order to save the life of one of them. Again, I’m not claiming that I know what I’m talking about. I’m just telling what I observe in myself.

I also feel joy because of another thing. During my arguing on the internet with Russian Putin’s sympathizers, they were arrogantly boasting that they are not conquering us only because we are useless, but if they wanted, Kyiv would be seized in 2–3 days max. Actually, pro-Putinists named even more brave numbers. So, where is your 3-days-capturing? In your face, assholes!

I also feel comfort in hope. I hope that this war will end soon and it will change our society’s morals. What I mean is that I hate when all people are strangers to each other.

You have no common views or anything in common with thousands of people who live nearby you. In such societies, people group up according to their interests, and those interests are rarely commendable.

In the post-soviet areas, young people generally were infatuated by the so-called “hopnyk culture”. It’s something like gangs or semi-criminalized culture. I hate this ideology. It’s so stupid. It’s still around.

Now, we have a chance to achieve something that seemed to be impossible in the past. No one could accomplish it. But unwillingly, Putin made it be possible. I’m talking about uniting the nation around a much higher idea was at our disposal. The idea that suits everyone, young and old.

Call it whatever you want, “patriotism”, “nationalism’ or something else. But I don’t mean “nationalism” in the sense that we are superior to other races, or nations. I just mean that, except for my family, I have a larger family who is Ukrainians.

Besides, I have cousins, uncles, or, something like that, who in this metaphor represent other nations or states that were kind to us in times of trouble. I don’t know whether this stuff will stay in my head when everything calms down after our victory. But, I hope I’ll have the same mood and thoughts for the rest of my life because it’s awesome, minus the anxiety, and grief of course.